Radical Acceptance and Its Power to Heal

Written By Ariela Rabizadeh-Jourabchi

Written By: Ariela Rabizadeh, Psy.D.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves” 
- Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

One of the greatest lessons that I’ve learned as a psychologist is: we may not always have the control to change life’s circumstances but we can change how we view it and how we allow the experience to affect us. This is relevant when we are faced with life circumstances that are very difficult and painful. The skill that has the power to offer us some healing is called, radical acceptance. It is a powerful tool from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) focused on tolerating distress when we cannot keep painful events and emotions from coming our way – and full disclosure, it is also probably one of the most difficult skills to implement – I make a constant effort to be mindful in practicing this skill in my everyday life.

What is Radical Acceptance?

Radical = wholeheartedly

Acceptance = accepting with your heart, mind, and body

You’ve probably heard - when you can’t change something painful in life, the only thing you can change is mindset. DBT teaches us that suffering doesn’t come directly from the pain but rather, it’s one’s attachment to the pain. Resisting reality leads to an internal struggle. On the other hand, accepting difficult situations can lead you away from pain and into peace. For some, this may include looking to a higher power. Radical acceptance teaches us to make a conscious effort to acknowledge and honor difficult situations and emotions while also fully accepting things as they are, instead of ignoring, avoiding, or wishing the situation were different. Yes, these can happen at the same time! That’s the beauty of dialectics (two things that seem mutually exclusive can actually exist at the same time). Radical acceptance helps us accept the situation in order to move towards our change-oriented/problem-solving goals. More specifically, it can help in: •regulating difficult emotions, •limiting dysfunctional thinking, •improving motivation.

Why Practice Radical Acceptance?

When we accept a reality we can’t change, no matter how painful it is, we can move forward. ACCEPTANCE is a critical step in moving through difficult experiences and to make more meaning in our lives, rather than sulk or stay stagnant in wishing things were different (although this is a totally normal part of the healing process as well!). No matter how hard we try to reject reality, we can’t change it (most of the time). Challenging reality also requires us to first accept the reality. Pain can’t be avoided but focusing our energy on rejecting reality just increases the suffering and keeps us stuck. Acceptance may still come with sadness or other difficult emotions, but deep calmness eventually follows. According to DBT, the path out of a very painful situation is through misery – if we refuse to accept the misery that includes climbing up a difficult mountain, we will just continue to fall.

What Can We Practice Accepting?

  • Reality as it is – facts about the past and present

  • Limitations on the future

  • Everything has a cause

  • Life is worth living even when we experience painful events

  • Change is the only constant in life

    What Radical Acceptance is NOT:

  • Approval or Giving Up

  • Self-Indulgence

  • Compassion

  • Love

  • Passivity

  • Against change

    What it IS:

    Instead it empowers an individual to move towards healing. It means, “yes this is really painful AND I can move forward and experience AMAZINGNESS even with this part of my reality”. Radical acceptance helps us make genuine change through healing our uncomfortable emotions (e.g., sadness, anger, fear, shame) in order to free us to live fully through the precious moments of life.

    Common Barriers to Implementing Radical Acceptance:

  • You may not have the tools yet (That’s ok! We are not born with all the coping skills in the world). You can reach out to a DBT-trained therapist to learn skills focused on accepting really painful events or facts

  • You have the belief that by accepting a painful event, you are making light of the situation or approving of the facts

  • Emotions! A totally natural part of being a human being. With radical acceptance, you may still experience emotions (e.g., sadness, grief, anger, rage, guilt, shame) – AND fun tip: you can simultaneously practice moving towards acceptance and not letting these emotions get the best of you.

    How to Practice Radical Acceptance?

  • 1. Close your eyes and imagine a fork in the road, one side labeled "rejection" and the other "acceptance".

  • 2. Notice where you are. If you are in rejection, you might be experiencing thoughts such as, “why is this happening to me?”, “things shouldn’t be like this”).

  • 3. Make a mindful choice to turn your mind towards the acceptance side of the road.

  • 4. Do this over and over again (PRACTICE!) when you catch yourself moving away from acceptance.

  • 5. Think of a plan for catching yourself from going too far away from acceptance in the future and continue to practice shifting your mindful attention towards acceptance! 

Source: Linehan, M. M.  (2015). DBT® skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.



Ariela Rabizadeh-Jourabchi